CAINE'S Memoirs

 Dear husband,

 I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

 These last two weeks have been hell…your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

 Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

 You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

 You don’t tell me you love me anymore or even give me a peck. Either you are cheating on me, or you don’t love me any more, whatever the case is, I’m gone.

P.S. If you are trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away together! Have a great life!

Signed

Your EX-Wife

 REPLY TO MY WIFE

 Dear EX-Wife,

 Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you have been. Funny we had no kids – no thanks to your numerous abortions before we met – the situation would have been worse.

 I watch the game so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work.

I did notice when you cut off all, oh sorry, made your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “you sure looked like a man!”, and the second “having two men in a house, no way!”

 My mother taught me not to say anything if you can’t say anything nice. When you cooked my “favourite meal”, it was obvious you got me confused with MY YOUNGER BROTHER, because I stopped eating a decent meal seven years ago.

 I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because it still had the price tag on it. I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed N5000 from me that morning and our negligee was N4999.99.

After all this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So, when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for N10million, I quit my job as a secretary and bought us two tickets to South Africa. But when I got home you were gone.